What to Do With Big Feelings

Hi there,

Do you ever have a reaction and think afterward, “Why did I get that upset?” “That was such a small thing. What’s wrong with me?”

Or maybe you’re supporting a child or teen whose emotions arrive like a storm—loud, intense, and overwhelming for everyone in the room. If so, you’re in very good company.

At Synergetic Counseling & Wellness, we talk a lot about emotional regulation—not in a “control yourself” way, but in a “how can we help your nervous system feel safer and more supported?” way.

This month, we’re exploring big feelings: what they are, why they show up so strongly, and some kind, realistic steps for responding differently.

What is emotional regulation, really?

“Emotional regulation” sounds clinical, but it’s really about:

How we notice, understand, and respond to our feelings. It includes:

• Recognizing what we’re feeling
• Understanding where it might be coming from
• Choosing how to respond (instead of reacting on autopilot)

Healthy emotional regulation does not mean:

• Never getting upset
• Always staying calm
• Only having “positive” feelings

It means learning to ride emotional waves without drowning in them or denying them.

What are “big feelings”?

“Big feelings” are emotions that show up with intensity—sometimes out of proportion to what seems to be happening on the outside.

Examples:

• Feeling rage when someone cuts you off in traffic
• Feeling overwhelming shame after a small mistake
• Feeling panic over a text that goes unanswered
• A child melting down over the “wrong” color cup or a change in plans

Big feelings can be:

• Anger (“This is unfair!”)
• Fear (“Something bad is going to happen.”)
• Sadness/grief (“I’ve lost something important.”)
• Shame (“I’m not good enough.”)
• Overwhelm (“This is too much for me.”)

Underneath almost every big feeling is something that matters deeply—a need, a fear, a wound, a value, a story.

Your nervous system and “the window of tolerance” (in plain language)

Think of your emotional capacity like a window:

Inside the window, you can feel feelings and still think, choose, and respond. Above the window, you feel amped up: anxious, panicky, angry, restless. Below the window, you feel shut down: numb, disconnected, exhausted, checked out.

Big feelings often mean your nervous system has been pushed outside that window.

This might show up as:

• Fight: snapping, yelling, arguing, wanting to slam doors
• Flight: wanting to run away, avoid, scroll, stay busy
• Freeze: feeling stuck, blank, unable to decide or move
• Fawn: people-pleasing, over-apologizing, quickly smoothing everything over

Again, this is not you “being dramatic.” It’s your body trying to protect you the best way it knows how.

A simple 4-step check-in for big feelings

Here’s a gentle framework you can use—for yourself or with a child/teen:

Pause

If it’s safe to do so, try to pause before reacting.

You might:

• Take one slow breath
• Step into another room
• Say, “I need a moment,” or “Let’s come back to this.”

Even a 5-second pause is a win.

Name

Putting words to feelings helps your brain make sense of what’s happening.

For yourself: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and hurt.” “I notice a lot of anger underneath this.”

With kids/teens, you might say: “It seems like you’re feeling really frustrated.” “I wonder if you’re also feeling disappointed.”

You don’t have to get it perfect. Naming is about being curious, not right.

Validate

Validation means saying, “Your feeling makes sense,” even if you can’t agree with every action or thought that comes with it.

For yourself: “Given how much this matters to me, it makes sense that I feel this strongly.” “Of course I’m upset. This touched an old sore spot.”

For kids/teens: “It makes sense that you’re this upset. Your game was really important to you.” “Of course you’re disappointed. You were really looking forward to that.”

Validation doesn’t mean you like the situation. It just means you’re honoring the feeling.

Choose

Once the emotion is named and validated, you’re in a better place to choose your next step.

You might choose to:

• Take a break from the conversation
• Go for a short walk
• Use a grounding or breathing tool
• Ask for a hug or support
• Come back and communicate what you need

With kids, you might:

• Offer a calm-down space (a cozy corner, bedroom, or quiet spot)
• Co-regulate by sitting with them, breathing together, or staying nearby while they settle

The goal isn’t to “fix” the feeling; it’s to walk through it with more kindness and awareness.

Emotional regulation is learned, not “built-in”

Many of us grew up with messages like:

• “Stop crying.”
• “Go to your room until you can calm down.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

If you didn’t have someone helping you name and soothe feelings when you were younger, of course emotional regulation is harder now. There is nothing wrong with you—it just means you’re learning skills as an adult that you didn’t get enough support with as a kid.

The good news? The brain and nervous system are changeable. With practice, support, and compassion, you can absolutely build new patterns.

Helping kids and teens with “big feelings”

If you’re a parent or caregiver, big feelings in kids can be especially stressful. You might feel embarrassed in public, triggered by yelling, or guilty that you’re not handling it “perfectly.”

Some gentle reminders:

• Kids need co-regulation before self-regulation (They borrow your calm before they can find their own.)
• Meltdowns are often about overwhelm, not manipulation.
• You can be kind and firm at the same time.

Supportive phrases might include:

• “Your feelings are okay. It’s not okay to hit. We can hit the pillow instead.”
• “I’m here. We’ll get through this together.”
• “You don’t have to talk yet. I’ll sit with you while you calm down.”

You don’t have to handle it perfectly—just better supported and less alone.

When might it be time to get extra support?

Therapy around emotional regulation can be helpful if:

• Your reactions feel bigger than the situation and are hard to control
• You feel ashamed of how you respond when you’re overwhelmed
• You often shut down, go numb, or feel disconnected from your feelings
• Conflicts in relationships repeat the same patterns again and again
• Your child or teen’s big feelings feel beyond what you can support on your own

At Synergetic Counseling & Wellness, we support emotional regulation by:

• Exploring your story and how your nervous system learned to protect you
• Teaching practical tools (for adults and kids) to move through big feelings
• Helping you understand triggers and patterns with compassion, not blame
• Creating a safe space where all parts of you—and your emotions—are welcome

You don’t have to navigate big feelings alone—yours or your child’s.

A small invitation for this month

If big feelings have been showing up lately, you might:

• Practice the Pause–Name–Validate–Choose steps once this week
• Notice one moment when you can offer yourself validation instead of criticism
• If you’re a parent, pick one new calming phrase to try with your child

Remember: emotional regulation is not about never having big feelings. It’s about learning that you and your feelings can exist together—without shame.

With care, The Synergetic Counseling & Wellness Team Leading with empathy, authenticity, and whole-person healing.

Important note: This newsletter is for education and support and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you’re in crisis or worried about your safety, please contact your local emergency number or a crisis line right away (in the U.S., you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).